Saturday, January 23, 2010
zumbalicious
I love Zumba. So so so much. Today was my Zumba teachers 1 year anniversary. Our class usually runs about 120. It's hott and sweaty and amazing. Here's a few of us regulars with my cute cute teacher Mariemma.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Enough (now)
My amazing trainer Meshi gives me some humdingers sometimes. I've found they come at unexpected moments and sometimes when I am at the end of myself physically he gets at me emotionally.
So as I previously whined, I was bummin about my dumb ankle. I hadn't been able to do the things I enjoy at the level I like to. Working out is a passion. It brings me pure joy from my core. I know some think that's crazy. But that's why I want to be a trainer. People who love fitness should be helping other people to be fit!
Anyway... to the humdinger...
Meshi asks me "What would happen if you realized you DO enough. That you ARE enough?" This is at a moment of complete and utter exhaustion. I am holding 50 pounds on each arm doing lunges and struggling to get the perfect form hearing him say "knee" because I apparently lean forward too much. I say this because I don't know what I look like. We do not use a mirror because he wants me to FEEL the right place. (And I am learning to)
Enough. Hmmm.
This launches a conversation and thoughts that would provoke and annoy me for some time now. What is enough to me? I cannot just look at this in the fitness world. Not that I segregate it away from all other areas of my life. I know for certain I do not think I am fit enough. Thin enough. Pretty enough. But I do feel happy working out and I don't propel my workouts by feeling like I need to do them to be any of those things.
I don't necessarily think I am a good enough worker. Or friend. Or Christian. In fact there isn't really anything I sit back and think honestly to my very core "I am the BEST at that!" I don't think it's a self confidence problem. Though I am still kicking this around. I think it's a perfectionist problem. It may also be an impatience problem.
So we talk. "What would your life be like if you believed that you did enough? What would it be like if your fitness, your weight, the way you looked right NOW was enough? Even though we know this isn't true, WHAT IF there was no more weight to lose, not more muscle or skin to tone, no more hair to regrow, no more results to gain? What if the place you are at right now was enough? So enough that you arrived there and were happy there and felt there was no where else to go?"
Now Meshi is not one to let me be stagnant in any area of my life or fitness. But this not be able to be here now enjoying what I have now... it's challenging. I have no sunshiney lolly poppy things to say about this. I don't know the answer to this question because I can't wrap my mind around it. So I was wondering about you. Maybe I am not alone here. Maybe I am not the only person confounded by the idea of enough.
So as I previously whined, I was bummin about my dumb ankle. I hadn't been able to do the things I enjoy at the level I like to. Working out is a passion. It brings me pure joy from my core. I know some think that's crazy. But that's why I want to be a trainer. People who love fitness should be helping other people to be fit!
Anyway... to the humdinger...
Meshi asks me "What would happen if you realized you DO enough. That you ARE enough?" This is at a moment of complete and utter exhaustion. I am holding 50 pounds on each arm doing lunges and struggling to get the perfect form hearing him say "knee" because I apparently lean forward too much. I say this because I don't know what I look like. We do not use a mirror because he wants me to FEEL the right place. (And I am learning to)
Enough. Hmmm.
This launches a conversation and thoughts that would provoke and annoy me for some time now. What is enough to me? I cannot just look at this in the fitness world. Not that I segregate it away from all other areas of my life. I know for certain I do not think I am fit enough. Thin enough. Pretty enough. But I do feel happy working out and I don't propel my workouts by feeling like I need to do them to be any of those things.
I don't necessarily think I am a good enough worker. Or friend. Or Christian. In fact there isn't really anything I sit back and think honestly to my very core "I am the BEST at that!" I don't think it's a self confidence problem. Though I am still kicking this around. I think it's a perfectionist problem. It may also be an impatience problem.
So we talk. "What would your life be like if you believed that you did enough? What would it be like if your fitness, your weight, the way you looked right NOW was enough? Even though we know this isn't true, WHAT IF there was no more weight to lose, not more muscle or skin to tone, no more hair to regrow, no more results to gain? What if the place you are at right now was enough? So enough that you arrived there and were happy there and felt there was no where else to go?"
Now Meshi is not one to let me be stagnant in any area of my life or fitness. But this not be able to be here now enjoying what I have now... it's challenging. I have no sunshiney lolly poppy things to say about this. I don't know the answer to this question because I can't wrap my mind around it. So I was wondering about you. Maybe I am not alone here. Maybe I am not the only person confounded by the idea of enough.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
the gift of a sprained ankle
My beloved Trainer Meshi was gone from me for 10 whole days. I know that's ridiculous to even complain about but I work out with him 4-5 times a week so I missed him. And when he returned he had a ton of new fun things thought up for me! I never arrive with Meshi. If I start to get good at something he makes it harder. It took me a while to realize this but I take it in stride now. I also love that every time I come to work out with him I have NO IDEA what we will be doing. It's a good thing I trust him because it's always an adventure!
Last Monday night I stood perched balancing on a Bosu ball while someone ran from side to side tossing a weighted medicine ball at me to catch while remaining balanced and then throw back. Wouldn't you know it, I totally fall off the ball and sprained my ankle! But guess what I did? I played it off and kept going. By the time the night was over my ankle was as fat as it used to be and throbbing. By Tuesday morning I had to fess up to Meshi and ask him what to do. (Insert lecture here as well as my own horror of being pulled off workouts.)
Gasp! No running and jumping! No dancing! No Strength training! No circuits! I took Tuesday off from work, drugged myself, practiced R.I.C.E. (rest, ice, compression, elevation) which was sporadically text-yelled at me. I moped. I was miserable. You would have thought the world was coming to an end.
I did not realize how much I run and speed everywhere I go. I didn't realize how much I move in a day until I could not do it. And shame on me. I had a puny sprained ankle that would heal. Some people have way worse.
I longed to do my favorite things. Meshi smiled and gently taught me how to massage my ankle and roll the muscles to relieve the pressure to get it to heal faster. He said "maybe this is the way your body will gets it's best" he reassured. "Just rest."
I have been reminded how athletes fall short in resting/sleep. And now I was forced to do so. Surprisingly to my crazy mind, my muscles did not atrophy. I did not gain 500 pounds. The world did not stop turning. And though I feel like I missed out on some zumba fun and a good run with Meshi and all that stuff, there will be others!
Tomorrow I get to spin. Tuesday I get to get back in the game as long as I check out ok. It was a short intermission in my usual routine. But one that made an impact. I will not take my body for granted and it's capabilities. I may even learn how to rest a little! I was reading an article in Runners World while I was laid up. It was by a man who LOVES fitness so much and wants to be doing forever. He did not want to just have a few good years, exhaust his body and have to move on. So he realized some new things in endurance. He said "I want to run forever. And so in realizing that, I have to acknowledge that sometimes that means I don't run today"
Years of never feeling my body from being so numbed out by food and wounds, I refuse to now go the opposite way and be too numb to hear my body when it needs care. This will take some work, but I can do it!
Last Monday night I stood perched balancing on a Bosu ball while someone ran from side to side tossing a weighted medicine ball at me to catch while remaining balanced and then throw back. Wouldn't you know it, I totally fall off the ball and sprained my ankle! But guess what I did? I played it off and kept going. By the time the night was over my ankle was as fat as it used to be and throbbing. By Tuesday morning I had to fess up to Meshi and ask him what to do. (Insert lecture here as well as my own horror of being pulled off workouts.)
Gasp! No running and jumping! No dancing! No Strength training! No circuits! I took Tuesday off from work, drugged myself, practiced R.I.C.E. (rest, ice, compression, elevation) which was sporadically text-yelled at me. I moped. I was miserable. You would have thought the world was coming to an end.
I did not realize how much I run and speed everywhere I go. I didn't realize how much I move in a day until I could not do it. And shame on me. I had a puny sprained ankle that would heal. Some people have way worse.
I longed to do my favorite things. Meshi smiled and gently taught me how to massage my ankle and roll the muscles to relieve the pressure to get it to heal faster. He said "maybe this is the way your body will gets it's best" he reassured. "Just rest."
I have been reminded how athletes fall short in resting/sleep. And now I was forced to do so. Surprisingly to my crazy mind, my muscles did not atrophy. I did not gain 500 pounds. The world did not stop turning. And though I feel like I missed out on some zumba fun and a good run with Meshi and all that stuff, there will be others!
Tomorrow I get to spin. Tuesday I get to get back in the game as long as I check out ok. It was a short intermission in my usual routine. But one that made an impact. I will not take my body for granted and it's capabilities. I may even learn how to rest a little! I was reading an article in Runners World while I was laid up. It was by a man who LOVES fitness so much and wants to be doing forever. He did not want to just have a few good years, exhaust his body and have to move on. So he realized some new things in endurance. He said "I want to run forever. And so in realizing that, I have to acknowledge that sometimes that means I don't run today"
Years of never feeling my body from being so numbed out by food and wounds, I refuse to now go the opposite way and be too numb to hear my body when it needs care. This will take some work, but I can do it!
Sunday, January 03, 2010
self helping: my vortex
So my friend Pearl gave me this cd called the Vortex based on these books called the law of attraction. Pearl and I do not have the same spiritual beliefs but we love each other and love to share what our journey with each other. We listen to each others stories with love- sometimes gasping and saying "hey that is just like in my faith!" I am one of the first Christians she has ever come across that actually engages her in conversation about her faith and who has shared theirs with her in a way she finds open and honest. Sometimes she listens to me talk about something I have experienced and will cry because it is beautiful to her. I think this is the way sharing life/faith should be.
Anyway I am listening to this cd of hers and it is very simple and I believe accurate. It is talking about the way we think and how we get stuck in these patterns and beliefs that ultimately defeat us before we even realize it. It is talking about negativity and breaking that cycle by stepping into hope and positivity.
I found myself chuckling because it was so personally right on for me at the part of the talk where the author is speaking of moving towards the vortex of positive thought.
The person is saying "Hey I want to be like that. I want to be in the vortex with you! Things are positive for you! Where is the door?! How do I get in?"
Her answer "You have your own vortex. You must find your own door"
Person: "Oh but I am not really all the positive. Just yesterday I was thinking of revenge"
Author: "That's good. You are on your way!"
Person: "Really? What comes after revenge?"
Author: "Anger"
Person: "Oh I can do anger. That's good really? Whats after that?"
Author: "That's good. Pettiness"
Person: "Ohhh. Whats the point?"
Author: "The point is to move forward. You don't want to backslide to anger or revenge. You just want to keep moving through all of the mess till you get to hope. If you can just get to hope then you can get to belief. And then your way of thinking throughout the entire situation will change. You will find the positive of the situation/experience and then you will be in your vortex"
This is true. I'm much more apt to try when I believe I can. I'm much more able to get through a situation that seems difficult if I have hope and believe the other side will be good for me. My days are better if I can start them with a positive thought. My hurts and heartbreaks feel better if I can just focus on the healing that will eventually happen.
I already have been learning to practice these thoughts in my physical working out. So much of the physical is fueled by the mental capacity to realize you can do more than you think. This is not easy and takes much training for your mind as well as your body.
I also liked the fact that she said the revengeful thought, anger, pettiness were good. Not because I think they are the place to be BUT we often don't allow a person to just be in the place they are emotionally. Even if that place is broken. Those emotions aren't going anywhere until they get processed and healed and the person is allowed to feel and pass through them. They will only be hidden or coped with in other ways. Why not embrace it and let them pass through it? Even if it's hard for us in relationship with them. Even if the rawness of that emotion is hard for us to see. What a better way for a person to move towards hope than being allowed to feel those "ugly" emotions and express them and realize there are better days ahead.
So it's 2010. I'm stepping into my vortex. In many areas I am already to hope. Some even to belief. But there are still some where I am revengeful, angry, petty, broken, wounded, feeling the victim of, etc etc... I'm looking for hope as I pass through these places. See you on the positive side!
Anyway I am listening to this cd of hers and it is very simple and I believe accurate. It is talking about the way we think and how we get stuck in these patterns and beliefs that ultimately defeat us before we even realize it. It is talking about negativity and breaking that cycle by stepping into hope and positivity.
I found myself chuckling because it was so personally right on for me at the part of the talk where the author is speaking of moving towards the vortex of positive thought.
The person is saying "Hey I want to be like that. I want to be in the vortex with you! Things are positive for you! Where is the door?! How do I get in?"
Her answer "You have your own vortex. You must find your own door"
Person: "Oh but I am not really all the positive. Just yesterday I was thinking of revenge"
Author: "That's good. You are on your way!"
Person: "Really? What comes after revenge?"
Author: "Anger"
Person: "Oh I can do anger. That's good really? Whats after that?"
Author: "That's good. Pettiness"
Person: "Ohhh. Whats the point?"
Author: "The point is to move forward. You don't want to backslide to anger or revenge. You just want to keep moving through all of the mess till you get to hope. If you can just get to hope then you can get to belief. And then your way of thinking throughout the entire situation will change. You will find the positive of the situation/experience and then you will be in your vortex"
This is true. I'm much more apt to try when I believe I can. I'm much more able to get through a situation that seems difficult if I have hope and believe the other side will be good for me. My days are better if I can start them with a positive thought. My hurts and heartbreaks feel better if I can just focus on the healing that will eventually happen.
I already have been learning to practice these thoughts in my physical working out. So much of the physical is fueled by the mental capacity to realize you can do more than you think. This is not easy and takes much training for your mind as well as your body.
I also liked the fact that she said the revengeful thought, anger, pettiness were good. Not because I think they are the place to be BUT we often don't allow a person to just be in the place they are emotionally. Even if that place is broken. Those emotions aren't going anywhere until they get processed and healed and the person is allowed to feel and pass through them. They will only be hidden or coped with in other ways. Why not embrace it and let them pass through it? Even if it's hard for us in relationship with them. Even if the rawness of that emotion is hard for us to see. What a better way for a person to move towards hope than being allowed to feel those "ugly" emotions and express them and realize there are better days ahead.
So it's 2010. I'm stepping into my vortex. In many areas I am already to hope. Some even to belief. But there are still some where I am revengeful, angry, petty, broken, wounded, feeling the victim of, etc etc... I'm looking for hope as I pass through these places. See you on the positive side!
emotional need part two
Today I went to the library and got "The Missing Piece Meets the Big O" by Shel Silverstein. I am not ashamed to admit I checked out a kids book and later after lunch I sat in my bed all cozy like with my nutrition and study books, a work of fiction about a suicidal man and this book. It was lovely.
This slightly bounces from my previous post on needing others. One could argue that this book clearly points out that you don't need to be a missing piece to another person nor do you need to find your fit. While I would agree with this on some levels, had the missing piece not met the big o and had the big o not enlightened him on this lifestyle the missing piece would continue his incessant journey to find the place... You see the rolling o that is happening here. We need each other. Whether it's a time when you need a fit and you need someone to roll along with till you grow. Or just to show you how to start rolling. Or just to roll along side.
Don't let fear, past hurts, your thoughts of what is or isn't supposed to be keep you from the journey. Sometimes the journey is jacked up and later you look back and think "ooops! shoulda probably done that differently" but at least you did. Sometimes you get your head on right and you just go. The point is, move.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
emotional need
It's New Years Eve. I am waiting for my hairs to curl and to finish dolling myself to go out and celebrate. It will be much fun!
Here I am happily thinking of 2009. A good year. A very very good year. Not one without it's tears and aches and heart breaks and confusion but overall a year that I believe made me a better person. One that made me grow a lot. I didn't do it perfectly but I kept getting up swinging! And if I took stock, I would say more than those bruises there was much victory and happiness. But tonight I want to look at the bruises.
This last week was a bit trying for me, I'll admit. I did not love it. But working on my mind game and under the influence of my dear amazing trainer and friend Meshi I tried to spin the positive on it all. In working out, pain usually means that something is transforming in your body. So pain through the tough places in relationships and in the growings of life must mean something is transforming too. I'll take that!
I am now stepping into the second part of Genesis. Voluntarily!!!! Good grief! For those of you who aren't familiar with it- it truly was a huge influence in helping me become more healed emotionally and to overcome my food addictions. It's designed for hard core rehab programs. So really my translation of what Genesis is, is this: It brings you to the end of yourself. You have to sit there and look wide eyed and completely aware of all your junk and all your baggage. It shoves you into them, steps on your face and then says "Do you want to stay here in this or would you like to stop it and get up?" But this isn't a fast process getting to the place where your face is stepped on and you get to choose if you want to get well. Oh no! So there are these moments in between the awareness of the broken parts and the steps towards healing where you flail around and weep like a baby. I am not even yet on the ground and already am a mess. Great. Have fun with me the next several months friends! HA.
So with that I come to this interesting thing I keep seeing/hearing. And I was talking with my friend Kacy who was told recently that she had too many expectations of others. People talking about how bad it is to be needy. People talking about how bad it is to reach out. How bad it is to expect too much love in your relationships. People vowing that in 2010 they are going to stop this sort of thing and become more independent from all that.
And yet the one thing we were innately designed to do was be in relationship. Granted, I understand what it feels like to be on the reciprocating side of needy people. And believe me I have an INTENSE amount of need for love and affection and affirmation myself. I know the brokenness that leads to all sorts of crazy behaviors and impulses and addictions. But to me, when you are at your worst and you aren't recognizing your need of others and reaching out and allowing yourself to be loved back to healing, what is the point of the body of Christ, or us as universal brothers and sisters, or as intertwined beings evolving towards anything?
I was thinking a lot about this. Maybe the people who are saying it's bad to need others or to reach out are the ones who have built their guards up because they needed and those needs weren't met. Maybe the ones who are considered 'too needy' are so desperate for love and relationship they are clawing for whatever scraps of love they find and just keep getting hurt and reaching more. And maybe they aren't all that different when you get to the heart of the heart and the point of the point. I know I can be both. But right now I am admitting without shame that I need. And I want. And I won't stop reaching out. And I also love passionately and wholly. And I have enough to give too.
Here I am happily thinking of 2009. A good year. A very very good year. Not one without it's tears and aches and heart breaks and confusion but overall a year that I believe made me a better person. One that made me grow a lot. I didn't do it perfectly but I kept getting up swinging! And if I took stock, I would say more than those bruises there was much victory and happiness. But tonight I want to look at the bruises.
This last week was a bit trying for me, I'll admit. I did not love it. But working on my mind game and under the influence of my dear amazing trainer and friend Meshi I tried to spin the positive on it all. In working out, pain usually means that something is transforming in your body. So pain through the tough places in relationships and in the growings of life must mean something is transforming too. I'll take that!
I am now stepping into the second part of Genesis. Voluntarily!!!! Good grief! For those of you who aren't familiar with it- it truly was a huge influence in helping me become more healed emotionally and to overcome my food addictions. It's designed for hard core rehab programs. So really my translation of what Genesis is, is this: It brings you to the end of yourself. You have to sit there and look wide eyed and completely aware of all your junk and all your baggage. It shoves you into them, steps on your face and then says "Do you want to stay here in this or would you like to stop it and get up?" But this isn't a fast process getting to the place where your face is stepped on and you get to choose if you want to get well. Oh no! So there are these moments in between the awareness of the broken parts and the steps towards healing where you flail around and weep like a baby. I am not even yet on the ground and already am a mess. Great. Have fun with me the next several months friends! HA.
So with that I come to this interesting thing I keep seeing/hearing. And I was talking with my friend Kacy who was told recently that she had too many expectations of others. People talking about how bad it is to be needy. People talking about how bad it is to reach out. How bad it is to expect too much love in your relationships. People vowing that in 2010 they are going to stop this sort of thing and become more independent from all that.
And yet the one thing we were innately designed to do was be in relationship. Granted, I understand what it feels like to be on the reciprocating side of needy people. And believe me I have an INTENSE amount of need for love and affection and affirmation myself. I know the brokenness that leads to all sorts of crazy behaviors and impulses and addictions. But to me, when you are at your worst and you aren't recognizing your need of others and reaching out and allowing yourself to be loved back to healing, what is the point of the body of Christ, or us as universal brothers and sisters, or as intertwined beings evolving towards anything?
I was thinking a lot about this. Maybe the people who are saying it's bad to need others or to reach out are the ones who have built their guards up because they needed and those needs weren't met. Maybe the ones who are considered 'too needy' are so desperate for love and relationship they are clawing for whatever scraps of love they find and just keep getting hurt and reaching more. And maybe they aren't all that different when you get to the heart of the heart and the point of the point. I know I can be both. But right now I am admitting without shame that I need. And I want. And I won't stop reaching out. And I also love passionately and wholly. And I have enough to give too.
Friday, December 25, 2009
the new year is upon us...
My friend Pearl told me when I got into work that morning that she was day dreamy and wanted to think about her new years resolutions. I told her I thought that was a very good idea and that although it was only Christmas Eve that we would be champions if we got started early!
I'm excited for 2010. I don't really know why. It isn't like I am in a rush to get out of 2009- it was a really good year for me in so many ways. But 2010... I remember being in school having to watch that movie. Hal the computer was taking over- there were apes and a monolith and that theme song with the drums. I wonder if 2010 will enter in like that? I hope there are drums at least!
Here is my list. At least the beginning of it!
1. Surround myself more with people I love and can teach me how to be loved. I so need to learn.
2. Keep my car cleaner
3. finish the books I start
4. be more faithful in my letter writing to Maurice, MaryJo, Winston and my Mom
5. Work on my Mind Game. (ie esp in fitness but not limited to- turning my negative thoughts to positive ones)
6. Continue to lose weight and get even fitter
7. Actually succeed at my trainer Meshi's running goals for me in the spring
8. Volunteer more
9. Write
10. Save some $
11. Not have so much road rage. I am not an angry person but cars seem to bring it out in me. I hang my head in shame.
12. Meet Bob Harper
13. Return my library books on time
14. Inspire other people to be healthy
15. Learn more about what the heck is going on in the world. Why don't I know more? sheesh. It's not like I am not connected!
16. Get a tattoo
17. Learn to love my body. I am less than the size of the average American woman. You would think this would make me happy and satisfied!!!
18. Rockclimb, cave, hike
19. Complete my certifications for personal training/wellness coaching. (this would tie into #10. sigh)
20. Bring light, laughter, joy and love wherever I go.
21. Help people to see that there really is no disconnect between the spiritual, physical and emotional life.
22. Feel completely free when I dance
23. Get more sleep/rest. I do not do that rest thing well.
24. Learn make up skills
25. Become a better cook.
26. Forgive
27. Be fashionable even when I know I'm not- confidence rocks it like it's hott.
28. Go easier on myself. I am my deepest hater and worst critic.
29. Remember not everyone functions as I do emotionally, or as fast as I do, or as candid as I am, or as bratty. Be more patient with others on that as well.
30. Succeed at most of the things on this list.
I'm excited for 2010. I don't really know why. It isn't like I am in a rush to get out of 2009- it was a really good year for me in so many ways. But 2010... I remember being in school having to watch that movie. Hal the computer was taking over- there were apes and a monolith and that theme song with the drums. I wonder if 2010 will enter in like that? I hope there are drums at least!
Here is my list. At least the beginning of it!
1. Surround myself more with people I love and can teach me how to be loved. I so need to learn.
2. Keep my car cleaner
3. finish the books I start
4. be more faithful in my letter writing to Maurice, MaryJo, Winston and my Mom
5. Work on my Mind Game. (ie esp in fitness but not limited to- turning my negative thoughts to positive ones)
6. Continue to lose weight and get even fitter
7. Actually succeed at my trainer Meshi's running goals for me in the spring
8. Volunteer more
9. Write
10. Save some $
11. Not have so much road rage. I am not an angry person but cars seem to bring it out in me. I hang my head in shame.
12. Meet Bob Harper
13. Return my library books on time
14. Inspire other people to be healthy
15. Learn more about what the heck is going on in the world. Why don't I know more? sheesh. It's not like I am not connected!
16. Get a tattoo
17. Learn to love my body. I am less than the size of the average American woman. You would think this would make me happy and satisfied!!!
18. Rockclimb, cave, hike
19. Complete my certifications for personal training/wellness coaching. (this would tie into #10. sigh)
20. Bring light, laughter, joy and love wherever I go.
21. Help people to see that there really is no disconnect between the spiritual, physical and emotional life.
22. Feel completely free when I dance
23. Get more sleep/rest. I do not do that rest thing well.
24. Learn make up skills
25. Become a better cook.
26. Forgive
27. Be fashionable even when I know I'm not- confidence rocks it like it's hott.
28. Go easier on myself. I am my deepest hater and worst critic.
29. Remember not everyone functions as I do emotionally, or as fast as I do, or as candid as I am, or as bratty. Be more patient with others on that as well.
30. Succeed at most of the things on this list.
Thursday, December 03, 2009
O Pioneers!
Body watch. Oregon Trail edition. (oh yeah on most computers you can click on the picture to supersize me. Yikes. I can't believe I just told you to do that!)
Hmmm this must have been winter 2008
Now
Hmmm this must have been winter 2008
Now
quick update: head, heart, body
Well I can't very well shut up if I know there are some of you out there who are faithfully following along now can I? Good grief.
I have so much swirling in my head I am not sure I will be able to make heads or tails out of it. I will give you some bits and pieces and hopefully over the weekend I can fill in the gaps.
My head: I wish I had some moments to really sit down and think. I mean like days. Maybe months. To sort through the things that are new I've been learning and the things that are old that need to be buried in my thoughts. Most recently I was talking to my trainer about the Biggest Loser and was talking about how I realized I would always struggle with my weight. He cut me off fast saying, "Struggling is a choice. It may be hard work but it's just a struggle if you choose to let it be." Argh. I had heard this type of message before. It was when I met with someone about meeting my half brother I had never met and I was dealing with father issues. I said I thought I would always have father issues and the person counseling me said "To say that is to take all power from yourself and God in healing you." That was correct. Years later I can look back and see that I have in fact healed very well from the deep father wounds I once "struggled" with. Sometimes they rise up but they are not in control.
My heart: is happy. I find myself confounded about it. Things are not perfect by any means but I guess just knowing I am where I am supposed to be and doing what I am supposed to do is enough. I also have fully embraced my Portland support. I know that may seem silly. But I had my Iowa safety net for so long. I didn't think I had support here. Then I opened my eyes and heart and realized my support here may be even stronger. Who knew?! Well, everyone but me. ha!
My body: oof. Right now it hurts. I am loving training but this new routine is confusing. I am learning to listen to my body more and to rest. But I don't like resting and I love working out so not working out as intensely twice or three times a day is a hard transition. Running more is hard but good. I had to up my calories too and this has been nerve wracking. My body is one big science experiment.
My self image is going through it's own process. I went to the mall last weekend. I barely have any winter clothes and when I get some cash need to get some because I am COLD all the time. The first store I saw was "NoSkinny!" A plus size store. I laughed. For my whole life I would go to the mall and see all these stores I couldn't shop in. And the first store I see is that one where I can't shop! I keep walking. There are so many cute fashions esp here on the west coast! I can fit them. I can fit them all. But I look at them blankly. I cannot reconcile the size with my body. I walk through frustrated and I start to cry. Oh yes, some things change but the crying apparently doesn't- I always just feel the emotions as they come. So I cry a little while looking at a cute pink sweater at Love Couture. And I leave. I literally in my head start to pray "God. Really. I need some help here. This body image thing is a problem." That morning I had felt very frumpy. I put on jeans two sizes too big- rolled the waist, wore a cardigan from my very heavy days, no make up and put my hair in a headband. This is not normal. I was walking past the Hot Topics and a bunch of guys were hanging out. One comes after me saying all sorts of come ons which were comedic. I looked at him. He was dead serious. In my head I started to laugh. Really? I look like this. I walk around literally CRYING over my body and this man wants to "give me some thug lovin" Wow. I wish I could end that with something profound and tell you all of it has been resolved. It hasn't. But I have a couple of people in my life who are DETERMINED to help me get there. So I guess thats the happy ending for now.
Other than that, the weekend is upon us and I intend to enjoy it very much. I hope you do as well!
Be well. Be loved. Be healthy!
I have so much swirling in my head I am not sure I will be able to make heads or tails out of it. I will give you some bits and pieces and hopefully over the weekend I can fill in the gaps.
My head: I wish I had some moments to really sit down and think. I mean like days. Maybe months. To sort through the things that are new I've been learning and the things that are old that need to be buried in my thoughts. Most recently I was talking to my trainer about the Biggest Loser and was talking about how I realized I would always struggle with my weight. He cut me off fast saying, "Struggling is a choice. It may be hard work but it's just a struggle if you choose to let it be." Argh. I had heard this type of message before. It was when I met with someone about meeting my half brother I had never met and I was dealing with father issues. I said I thought I would always have father issues and the person counseling me said "To say that is to take all power from yourself and God in healing you." That was correct. Years later I can look back and see that I have in fact healed very well from the deep father wounds I once "struggled" with. Sometimes they rise up but they are not in control.
My heart: is happy. I find myself confounded about it. Things are not perfect by any means but I guess just knowing I am where I am supposed to be and doing what I am supposed to do is enough. I also have fully embraced my Portland support. I know that may seem silly. But I had my Iowa safety net for so long. I didn't think I had support here. Then I opened my eyes and heart and realized my support here may be even stronger. Who knew?! Well, everyone but me. ha!
My body: oof. Right now it hurts. I am loving training but this new routine is confusing. I am learning to listen to my body more and to rest. But I don't like resting and I love working out so not working out as intensely twice or three times a day is a hard transition. Running more is hard but good. I had to up my calories too and this has been nerve wracking. My body is one big science experiment.
My self image is going through it's own process. I went to the mall last weekend. I barely have any winter clothes and when I get some cash need to get some because I am COLD all the time. The first store I saw was "NoSkinny!" A plus size store. I laughed. For my whole life I would go to the mall and see all these stores I couldn't shop in. And the first store I see is that one where I can't shop! I keep walking. There are so many cute fashions esp here on the west coast! I can fit them. I can fit them all. But I look at them blankly. I cannot reconcile the size with my body. I walk through frustrated and I start to cry. Oh yes, some things change but the crying apparently doesn't- I always just feel the emotions as they come. So I cry a little while looking at a cute pink sweater at Love Couture. And I leave. I literally in my head start to pray "God. Really. I need some help here. This body image thing is a problem." That morning I had felt very frumpy. I put on jeans two sizes too big- rolled the waist, wore a cardigan from my very heavy days, no make up and put my hair in a headband. This is not normal. I was walking past the Hot Topics and a bunch of guys were hanging out. One comes after me saying all sorts of come ons which were comedic. I looked at him. He was dead serious. In my head I started to laugh. Really? I look like this. I walk around literally CRYING over my body and this man wants to "give me some thug lovin" Wow. I wish I could end that with something profound and tell you all of it has been resolved. It hasn't. But I have a couple of people in my life who are DETERMINED to help me get there. So I guess thats the happy ending for now.
Other than that, the weekend is upon us and I intend to enjoy it very much. I hope you do as well!
Be well. Be loved. Be healthy!
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