June: when cardio turned to rest

So June was supposed to be my month! Meshi left on the 9th. I had wanted a sub trainer and he challenged me to be my own. I took that challenge, sat down and plotted out the best workout plan ever. It was an extremely challenging cardio focused plan. I had just finished up my power and resistance program and I thought I would hone in on my new love of running and burn some serious fat. June 9th I went to the gym to start my program. 2 miles into my run my body was exhausted. I'm not talking the type where you just need to push yourself, I'm talking about seriously being completely flat out exhausted. I could almost hear my body saying "Look lady, we need a break. And if you don't give us one, we'll give us one." I tweeted this disappointment- after all Thurs are my 3 hour workout days. I came home and laid down hoping it would pass. I fell asleep for about 4 hours and woke up still tired.

That Monday I was still feeling tired but I got up with a plan to cycle 26 miles, run 4 and then do some TRX in the evening. Then I remembered a Zumba class with a teacher I love and I thought I'd add that too. My calves were pretty tight and I thought about rolling them out but decided I'd wait. 33 minutes into the class my muscles were feeling super tight and in a jump I rolled my ankle and sprained it bad enough I had to limp out.

Over the next days I would try to work out, push myself and just when I thought I could move back into my routine, it would ache so bad I thought I'd need to take myself to the ER. I was so frustrated. I mean I already had the loss of my trainer for the month and due to my job's schedule and subbing for him getting my usual 14 hours of working out each week was down the drain.

I cried. I pouted. I got scared. Working out is what I love. Working out is who I am. I'm a trainer damn it! Trainers are physically fit people!!! People who love me were telling me "have patience" and I wanted to punch them in the face. I read things about challenged athletes and a woman who runs marathons with only one leg and the soul surfer doing TRX after she lost an arm. I just had a freakin sprained ankle and then I got the stomach flu!!!

However during this time I had also vowed to love myself. I'd made the decision to. So all the self defeating talk about laziness and the comments about being fat and ugly had no place in my world.

Mind you I also had some emotional things going on. My heart had been smooshed by a dumb boy, my safety net most trusted person was gone, my birthday came along, I was struggling out my future and fearful of the finances about that. I wasn't militant about my eating. I wasn't eating crap but without the workouts I'm used to there were some real adaptations that needed to be made on my calories. Needless to say my body did not shape up the way I strategized it to.

I started training people in Meshi's absence. The very first one said to me "I was worried you were this thin little happy annoying thing. I'm glad to see you aren't. If I didn't know your history I'd think you were just starting to get your body in shape. I can work with you though." Wow. I'm glad I decided to love me because about 2 months ago that would have killed me. I worked her hard though. And the next person and the next person. And his classes too. The students would scowl at me and make jokes that I sat around thinking up ways to torture them but worked harder than I had ever seen them. And I would get in my car afterwards and cry. Because I have never been more happy doing something in my life. The euphoria I got from seeing someone push just a tad outside of what they thought their limits were, was enough to get me high for an entire day.

One night I sat down with a workout book (my favorite reading pastimes!) by a strength training coach I deeply respect named Cosgrove. He works his people so hard in his programs and then gives them 2 weeks off to "rest and make the world a better place." Then it's back to work. Huh. In the last three years, I've not taken 2 weeks off! I've taken time off when I was sick or injured or maybe for a bad day. But to be honest, I'd find ways around it. So maybe I've taken about 3 or 4 days off in a row. I didn't even take that off now with my ankle and my exhaustion and this stomach bug.

This morning I went berry picking with one of my clients and her girlfriend. And afterwards she asked me what I would do the rest of the day and I said "Whatever I want and I don't even think I will go work out." Her eyes were huge. "Wow!" she said "That's good! Rest is good too!" And I realized that as her trainer I needed to show a better balance. I was.

I learned something. A lot of somethings. And for the first time in the middle of these moments I didn't hate on myself. I even bought a couple of new pretty girlie shirts and felt good about myself trying them on even when my biceps and leg muscles were too big for some of the ones I tried.

Don't worry though. Meshi returns on Monday. And the workouts resume to the caliber they once were. But let me be the posterchild for you. When your body says "Stop" realize if you don't listen, it just might make you.


Picking Mt Hood strawberries. My ankle was 100% today. Just in time for trainerman to return and for me to have had much more rest than I'm used to. Contrary to my previous irrational fears propelled by self hatred, I didn't gain 300 pounds and I didn't fall of the weight loss/fitness passion wagon.