From abandonment to trust (and all the quirks in between!)

So after a summer of my trainerman being gone, he returned. Thank goodness because I knew I needed to resume the place we left off. Having dealt with self esteem and various emotional hotspots (including my hips) I was ready to work hard. But not before one big freak out.

I am not proud of this story. But I feel like me putting myself out there may show someone somewhere that they are not alone and can give inspiration that healing is actually possible. Those of you who know me well know I was a child born of shame. In many cases unwanted and abandoned. Such a sensitive little thing I now realize how much I personalized it all, soaked it in and made it a part of myself before anyone could teach me otherwise. I had a horrifying sense of being left: knowing my father didn't want me, my mother was emotionally absent and hearing the phrases "I wish you were never born" enough to believe it. I remember my Gram would leave me sleeping at home while she took my Mom to work long before a child should be left. The car starting would wake me and in terror I would stand at the window barely breathing and watch the entire time petrified that she would never come back.

Life happens and coping habits form. Quickly I became a child that was resillient. Whatever happened to me I would take it deep into myself, feel it and then keep going. I barely reacted to hurt. I learned how to survive and be strong. I'm talking literally taking on the physical stance of heels planted, fists clenched. I was an unmoveable fat little kid and that stayed with me even now as I attempt to learn to let go of my physical body.

My relationships have been interesting. I love people, love attachments and long for them. But I tend to come on too strong and love too much. I don't actually expect much from the other person but the intensity of my affection is often too much for another. I'm not a weird stalker type, I promise! I think I just have a lot of love to give, am fiercly loyal and once I've decided I like you- it's unmoveable. However, in the past I've been a real pain. Mostly when people become too valuable for me to lose. When I realized my attachment had become one that was no longer in my control of a nice little box when I could predict the outcome, I started to act out. I tested and if there was any indication of being left I would either leave first or act so badly the other person just gave up. It was mostly subconscious but there was a part of me that knew it was effed up.

Mind you I have spent years and many many therapeutic hours on these things. My most recent Genesis Process of 9 months was clearly the most healing of all of them. It taught me to not allow my strong emotions to be in control of me, but also not to shun them. It taught me to face the fears I had head on and disarm them. It taught me the good parts of that resilliency I developed as a neglected abandoned little girl. It also taught me to stop hiding myself and my emotions under a fog of food and weight. Hence the last three years of my life.

Enter back into the story my amazing trainer Meshi. He is in fact my most treasured relationship. He isn't my best friend, he is my trainer. I don't think our relationship is unbalanced though I confess I do think the sun sometimes revolves around him but truly, it's a good thing. Meshi is a gift to me. Mostly because as a male it's miraculous that he has gained my trust. And because in all my brokenness he has patiently stuck with me. Sometimes I am in awe of that. In my first parts of training I literally did take the childish stance with him. I would be obstinate and hard to work with. Most of the time I didn't realize it, or I would, but felt out of control to stop myself. I wanted to but I couldn't. Looking back now I simultaneously wanted him to just leave me but wanted so badly to let him in. I wanted him to be someone I could deeply trust.

Fast forward though breaking through the brat, to facing fears, to horrible self esteem battles to more obstinance. I have had a few emotional outbursts. And a lot in the car afterwards. And still this man's eyes express kindness and patience and safety. I'm often confounded by this. And this is why I love him so and why everything I become from those moments forth I will be grateful to him for. Because unknowingly (well maybe sometimes knowingly) he was/is an agent of great healing.

So back to the beginning of this blog. What happened? Meshi returned from his summer away in Europe, texts me to meet for coffee. What happened? Total freak out. I am suddenly sure that he wants to tell me that he is moving on and no longer wants to work with me. Mind you this is not provoked by anything and it is not at all unusual for us to meet up to talk- especially since I did sub all his training clients and fitness classes. But rational thought often escapes me during these moments. I just freak out.

Clearly the end of the story is that Meshi and I met for coffee and we caught up. My heart soared for him as I heard about his summer and I got to share the places I grew while he was away and the things I did.

In the embarrassment of my personal hysteria of this story, I have to be happy for the places that I have healed. It may not seem like it from my irrational reaction but in the past it may have looked more like me acting out, binging on food, being wretched to him, or totally just running away from the entire situation.

There is a lot of victory in this story. I have allowed someone to be important to me. I have allowed that person to be wildly uncontrolled and even in that have allowed myself to trust him more than any other human being. The truth is that someday he may not fill the role he does in my life now and I am willing to not squander the time he does now for fear of that. It gives me hope for the future. It gives me inspiration for others I know go through this hellish process.